Another pain filled night. It's almost 3am and here I am hoping my pain pills will start to work. One day soon and I will have no more pain and will not even be able to call it to mind ever again. That is the promise that Jehovah has given and I sure look forward to that as well as being able to welcome back my loved ones from deaths sleep. I know that without this hope and the knowledge that we will be able to live on an earth free of all the badness and ills of the system I could not cope. Jehovah is such a loving GOD and I am so very glad that I know him and that he knows me. I will praise him all the days of my life and I hope that my life will be forever.
Well let me see if I can fill in a few more facts that I remember about my Mother. I know that she must have been bowled over by the fact that my father, an older man, and who they felt was a was hero, which I guess in many ways he was. Anyway he was also the very first person to come back to Big Spring, Tx driving a brand new car right after WW2, and he picked her. She was so young and innocent and he was a man of the world and an alcoholic, but she didn't even know what that was.
I don't really know if they fell in love or not. I believe she thought she did, and he had someone that made him feel more alive and like a man. If they had know about PTSD at that time maybe he would have gotten treatment and saved a lot of heartache. I don't know when the beatings started I only know that they did and if she had not have finally left for good he would have killed her. Anyway they got married and she had my sister the day before she was 16. Then they moved to Calif.
Once they got away from family in Tx, my father introduced Mother to the world of alcohol, and violence. He was a very jealous man, and felt that if anyone looked at Mother she was having an affair with them. I'm not even sure she understood any of this until many years later.
Anyway I was born in Sacramento, Calif in 1949. Biggest problem was I was a girl, and next I had blond hair and green eyes. This was a very big set up for his belief that she was not faithful. They both had very dark almost black hair. He had brown eyes, she had green eyes. They had one girl and he had forgiven her for that but now she had another girl, not good.
Well I need to sign off for now. See ya.
Saturday, August 20, 2011
Wednesday, August 17, 2011
Morning again
It's almost 2:30 and I've been awake again for a couple hours. I do not believe the pain will ever go away. Took two pain pills and turned on facebook, played games and the remembered this blog. Was no sure I could even get in this time it's been so long.
Since I was here last I've been in the hospital twice and had an episode that lasted a week during which I could not speak. My mind said the words but my mouth came out with jiberish. Went to the doctors again, had MRI, by the next day I could speak again. Of course MRI showed only normal changes caused by age. Was sent to the Neurologist several days later. He only wanted to see the report and did not even look at the MRI, also was not interested in any past medical or neurological issues. Questioned about whether or not I had a headache, when I said that I had, and that I rarely had them, he diagnosis was migrane resulting in side effect of speech disorder. When I attempted to explain that in the past, a couple years ago that I had something very simular occur only at that time I ended up with a very strong accent and was dx with forgien accent sym, and went to speech tx for almost a year to help with it. He informed me that he had never heard of such a thing and that it did not pertain to what had happened this time. I was then dismissed and sent on my way.
My PCP had also requested that I visit with a Psy. I tried to explain that I did not need to as while this was something going on in my head it was not a psy issue. But I made the appointment and today I went to it. My appointment was for 12:30 and I was to arrive at 12:15 for check in. By 1:20 I ask how much longer, and was told I was next. At 1:30 I ask again and explained that my appointment had been for 12:30 and was told well he is with a patient. At 1:40 I told them to remove my chart and that I felt that this was extremely unacceptable to be kept waiting for over an hour and I was leaving. They were shocked that I would leave, but again I told them that this was unacceptale and the I had better not see that they had billed SS or ChampVA.
We need the new system so very bad. I get so exasperated. I know that I am not imagining these issues that I have and that I do not have a psy problem..
I seem to be having so many problems with Doctors and even though I know that I have to keep going it is just so very tiring.
Well I know that I was going to write about my Mother but I just had to complain and whine for awhile. Now I'm writing in ittalics and have no idea what I did. I think I'm going to try to sleep again as my pain pills have kicked in. Night All
Since I was here last I've been in the hospital twice and had an episode that lasted a week during which I could not speak. My mind said the words but my mouth came out with jiberish. Went to the doctors again, had MRI, by the next day I could speak again. Of course MRI showed only normal changes caused by age. Was sent to the Neurologist several days later. He only wanted to see the report and did not even look at the MRI, also was not interested in any past medical or neurological issues. Questioned about whether or not I had a headache, when I said that I had, and that I rarely had them, he diagnosis was migrane resulting in side effect of speech disorder. When I attempted to explain that in the past, a couple years ago that I had something very simular occur only at that time I ended up with a very strong accent and was dx with forgien accent sym, and went to speech tx for almost a year to help with it. He informed me that he had never heard of such a thing and that it did not pertain to what had happened this time. I was then dismissed and sent on my way.
My PCP had also requested that I visit with a Psy. I tried to explain that I did not need to as while this was something going on in my head it was not a psy issue. But I made the appointment and today I went to it. My appointment was for 12:30 and I was to arrive at 12:15 for check in. By 1:20 I ask how much longer, and was told I was next. At 1:30 I ask again and explained that my appointment had been for 12:30 and was told well he is with a patient. At 1:40 I told them to remove my chart and that I felt that this was extremely unacceptable to be kept waiting for over an hour and I was leaving. They were shocked that I would leave, but again I told them that this was unacceptale and the I had better not see that they had billed SS or ChampVA.
We need the new system so very bad. I get so exasperated. I know that I am not imagining these issues that I have and that I do not have a psy problem..
I seem to be having so many problems with Doctors and even though I know that I have to keep going it is just so very tiring.
Well I know that I was going to write about my Mother but I just had to complain and whine for awhile. Now I'm writing in ittalics and have no idea what I did. I think I'm going to try to sleep again as my pain pills have kicked in. Night All
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