Life as I remember after Mother and Dad Married

After Mother came and got us from the farm and we met Glen for the first time, we moved to Brownfield, TX.  What I remember is that we lived a house close to Grandma and Grandpa Murphy.  We all started to call Glen, Daddy.  From the very first I felt that I belonged, or anyway I had a Father who loved me.  Dad worked in the oilfield as did all of the Murphy's, and for awhile Mother stayed at home with all of us kids.  At that time our younger brother lived with our Father and Dad's oldest was living with her mother so there was only five of us kids.

Dad worked a lot of hours at that time and they were wildcatters so if they didn't hit oil he didn't get paid.  So some times we had very little money.  When he was off for a few days, unfortunately, he and Mother went out and drank a lot.  In those days I guess everyone drank and smoked a lot.  I remember Grandma and Grandpa Murphy drinking everyday, and it seemed they fought everyday too.  It was pretty boring there for us kids. 

Once when we were under tornado warning and the wind was whipping around, I talked all of the kids to get in a big box we had been playing in and waiting to see if we would be picked up by the tornado and carried off to the land of OZ like Dorothy.   As the wind got worse and the thunder started everyone got scared and ran away into the house.  I stayed in the box until one of the adults found out I wasn't in the storm shelter and came and made me go.  The box was gone after we came out.

The only other things I remember about living there was having to stay sometimes at night with our Step-Uncle.  He was a teenager and we all thought that he looked like a movie star.  I think he did too.  Anyway he would make everyone get ready for bed and then he would decide which one of us girls would have to sleep with him.  None of us wanted to, because he would do things to us that we all knew he shouldn't.  My younger sister had already started to wet the bed sometimes and I wanted so much to protect her that when he would choose her I would volunteer to go in her place.  Sometimes it worked, but not always.  I still don't think anyone of us has every talked about this happening, not even to each other.  I now think that it's very sad that we, I believe, have each one attempted to pretend that never happened to us.  We all knew we could not tell any of the other Adults because he was a favorite and we would never be believed and more than likely be in trouble for saying something like that about him.  Years later my older sister married him, she told someone at that time or before that he had been her first lover.  That was as close to the truth about what he had done as she or at that time any of us ever got.  Their marriage didn't last of course.

After that we moved to Seminole, TX.  Mother was going to have a baby.  We lived in a house on the out skirts of town.  It wasn't a real big house.  It was by the train tracks, and the lady they rented from lived a couple houses away.  She, I don't think, ever had kids.  She liked all of us kids and had us call her Big Momma.  I don't remember her being very big though, I think it was just because she was old.
We had a cow, Bessie, and her calf, Speedy.

Well I think I will have to pick this up latter.

Learning

We I have to say that we are never to old to learn about ourselves.  In a conversation with my daughter the other day I learned something extremely important about myself.  I have missed my husband so much since I lost him to death, and have focused only on the fact that Jehovah has promised us that those asleep in death will be resurrected, that I have failed to continue to live my life now.

We had watched the movie Thor and while it is a very good movie I took it even farther, and compared my dear husband to Thor.  I told my granddaughter that he was my Thor and that at this time our rainbow bridge was broken.  I don't remember the exact words my daughter used but I do know that she made me look at myself and realize what I was doing.

In a way I had placed my husband on the same plan as God (Jehovah). While Thor was a mythical god, and not even a real person.  My husband was a real human being and I loved him more than I can say.  But while death does not change the love I had for him while he was alive it does and should change how I love him now that he no longer lives.  Jehovah is the one and only one that will resurrect him there is no rainbow bridge.

As I look back I know that my depression has gotten worse due to my inability to deal effectively with the loss of my soul mate.  But my soul lives on so I need to examine how I need to react in the future.  I look back on first my leaving SD before I should have.  At that time I was running from my grief, and somehow thought I would be better somewhere else.  Even though prior to his death we had discussed that I should move to AZ with my daughter after his death so that I would be closer to family.  We had not set a time frame as to when.  I needed to have stayed where I was for a while to grieve, and then decide what I wanted to do with my life.  Since that time I have not dealt with my grief in appropriate ways and it has become major depression and has I  now believe made my fibro and chronic pain worse.

Since learning this about myself, I have, first ask Jehovah for his forgiveness and secondly thanked my daughter for pointing this out to me.  While I know that I have a long way to go I hope that this will be a new beginning and I will continue to improve.

living on the farm

I really enjoyed living on the farm.  Mema and Granddad had about 30 milk cows and grew cotton, corn, and a few other things for sale.  We all, I think, worked in the fields, anyway I know I did. When it was time for the cotton to be picked we had pickers that came.  They were black, and lived in the huts down by the fields.  I loved going down there.  They were some of the happiest people I had ever seen.  They lived in shacks with dirt floors and blankets for doors.  They mainly ate grits, and fatback, but I still remember how happy and at peace they seemed to me.  And they loved me, I think everyone of them from the oldest to the youngest accepted me into their family.

I would sneak off every chance I got to go down and play with the children.  I always felt that I fit in even though I was very white and even had white hair then.  I know it must have looked a little funny with me down there, but I mainly remember the feeling of being loved unconditionally.  When I  could not be found at the house, I would hear my name being yelled, and I can tell you Mema could yell.  That's the only time that as a child I remember her being upset with me.  She would always tell me how I was not to go down there and play with those pick-a-ninnies. I would then be scrubbed from head to toe, just in case I had bugs.  That never made since to me as my friends were very clean.  They even swept the ground outside of their huts.

I don't know how long we were at the farm, I just know that it was months.  I believe that either that time we were there or another time that our Granddad molested my younger sister.  I have no proof, but now I know his history, as he did molest my Aunt, tried to do Mother, and molested my Aunt's daughter.  I found all of this out after I was an adult, and he attempted to rape me, thankfully Dennis and my Aunt came in before he was able to do much.  Over the years I have looked back and I remember him always taking my little sister with him when he was going out to the barn.  It makes me sad if that really happened and nobody was there to protect her.

Mother showed up one day to get us and she had gotten married.  She had married Glen S. Murphy, and he had three children, Sandra, Diane, and Mike.  Sandra was just older than my older sister, Diane was just younger than my younger sister, and Mike just older than my little brother.  So we moved to Brownfield, TX by Dad's family.   Glen became my Dad almost immediately, because he loved me and my real Father didn't.  Anyway that was the start of the Murphy clan as we became over the years.

I have to go for now.

5:30 am

We went to visit my niece Amber on Wed.,  she had a lay over in Tucson.  I am so glad that I had a good couple days.  I got to visit with her and have a good time.  When we got back home I've been in bed since.  Friday I just could not wake up and when I did I was in such pain I had to go back to sleep.  By last night though I was in such pain I could not sleep through it.  I was up until late, when I did get back to sleep I had to wake up to take more pain pills, and I'm still awake and in pain now.
I just seem to hurt every where, with spots that are more painful.  My right shoulder feels like a torn rotater cuff, but I know it's not.  Of course my hands really hurt. makes it hard to type.

One day soon and I will not have to feel this way.  Jehovah's promise is what keeps me going.  I know that what he says will come to pass at it's appointed time.  I am so very thankful for that.  Without his holy spirit ti strengthen me I don't know how I could ever function.

I am blessed to be able to live with my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter.  There are times that I can do nothing and the animals would go hungry as well as I would.  Although I could lose a few pounds, but that's another story.  I wish sometimes that my son's were more involved in my life, but I do have contact with one of them on a limited basis.  I know that as soon as I say I really need some money for whatever he will not hear what I said and will need to get off the phone.  Or if I talk about Jehovah again he will not be able to hear what I was saying and will need to get off the phone.  Or if I ask him to see if he can bring or send my grandsons to see me.  Oh well, Jehovah has blessed me with the children I need to help me during this time.  So I am very thankful, even if I don't tell them enough sometimes, and complain about my limitations. I love them very much.

Good Night

I had a good night for once.  I had a good day yesterday, and then slept good last night.  I woke with only my normal aches and pains at 4am.  I am hopeful of having a fairly good day again.  I just wish this heat would go down.  But I know that as with all things during this time of the end of this system we all have to put up with some discomfort from the weather and other things affecting this old  world.  It is that I have learned that any extreme in the weather affects me.

My hands are getting so bad.  They hurt all of the time now.  But my knees are not to bad right now anyway.  So I have quite a lot to be thankful for.

I hope to be up to cleaning the floors today.  While the rumba pick up it does not mop.  So I need to do that today.

I made carrot soup yesterday and I was the only one that liked it.  I saw the recipe in a magazine at a doctors office.  I thought it sounded good, but that is how it goes I guess.  At least I was able to make dinner even if nobody liked it.  Well it 5am and I need to get up and get started on my day.