Have been awake for over an hour now. But still so tired I can hardly move. I hate fibro.. I used to have so much energy that I could sleep my 8 hours and go from 5am until 10 or 11. Now even if I'm awake can only go for a few hours at most. I've done these italics again. I don't know how I do this.
A friend just lost her Mother and the memorial was today. It made me think of Mother so I thought I would write some about what I remember. As I have said befor Mother was only 15 when she had my older sister, even though it was the day before she turned 16. I came along 18 months later. Then my younger sister came along a year later, for six days we are the same age. I think the fact that she was another girl made it worse for both my Mother and me. So she had three children by the time she was 18.
Our older sister was born in Big Spring, Tx, and the other two of us were born in Sacramento, Cal. then two years later she had a baby boy born in Big Springs again, but he only lived about three days. He was named after our father and I think that again made it worse for Mother, as she was blaimed for his death. Even though it was accknowledged that it was the doctors fault.
Then about two years after the loss of the baby she gave birth to another son. We were back in Sacramento again. By then I think that Mother was done with being beaten and blamed for everything that went wrong. I don't know what my sisters remember about our parents being together, but all I remember are the sounds. I remember Mother crying for him to stop and hearing him yelling and the sounds of someone being hit. I look at pictures and have no memory of them.
I remember the last place they lived in together. They were building a house and I would go out and talk to the older man that was doing the foundation. He would share his lunch with me. Then I remember talking my older sister into putting her finger into a lamp socket and turning it on to see what would happen. I was the only one who found it funny. Then I remember the night Mother finally left. Our father was in his chair crying and we all had to tell him bye and he tried to make me tell Mother not to leave him. I can remember thinking how glad I was to get away from him.
By this time Mother was old enough to drink and she was already smoking. I don't remember where we first moved to but I know that she was leaving us with younger girls and that basically we were watching ourselves and our little brother. She was at last free of our father and I think she reacted to that by doing things that she had spent years being accused of and not doing. She forgot that she had us to take care of and we were put to the back of her mind. She loved us but I don't think she fully understood what she should be doing.
Well I need to stop for now.
Thursday, August 25, 2011
Awake again
This is one of those days that I can not do much but sleep. I don't function very well. It is taking everything I have to write this. I have to keep correcting my typing and normaly I type very good. But on days like this I feel like my arms weigh a ton, they are shaky and it is hard for me to manover them. To even hold my head up take such effort, and to get up to the bathroom is extremely difficult. I am dizzy, and off balance. All I want to do is sleep.
It is days like these that make the kids concerned with leaving me alone. I understand and am glad for there concern.
It is days like these that make the kids concerned with leaving me alone. I understand and am glad for there concern.
slow morning
Been awake since before 6 this morning but having a very slow morning. It's hot and cloudy, and I've learner that not only can I not handle the cold but any extremes. I used to be great in the heat, but now if it gets above 100 I don't function. Clouds bother me very badly so now I have extreme heat and clouds. Although it's only 93 at this time.
I've only brushed my teeth, had breakfast, cleaned the litter boxes, and fed the cats and I now need a nap. How sad is that. But I think I will have a nap and then try to do something constrictive. Even typing is extremely tiring.
I've only brushed my teeth, had breakfast, cleaned the litter boxes, and fed the cats and I now need a nap. How sad is that. But I think I will have a nap and then try to do something constrictive. Even typing is extremely tiring.
Wednesday, August 24, 2011
Awake
Here it is almost 2am and the dog woke me up to go outside and now I am in so much pain I can not go back to sleep. I feel like someone has beat me with a bat. I have sore spots all over and my neck is the worse. I even hurts to touch my forehead. My skin is so sensitive that to try to massage my painful areas causes more pain. Typing this is painful as my hands exp. the right one really hurts.
I am also very weak, as I have had diarrhea since yesterday afternoon. I had such a good morning though. I was able to even work in my pond for a little while, and clean the kitchen. Then it was two hot to work outside and I had to rest for awhile. I had plans of cleaning the floors but ocourse I started to feel bad and then the diarrhea started. I used to pride myself on the fact that I never got headaches, never vomited, and never had diarrhea, even though they came with having fibro. Can no longer make those claims.
I remember a time when I had no pain, I had an extremely high tolerance to pain. I was healthy, and rarely got sick, while I thought I was fat sometimes I wasn't. I used to tell myself that I would never get old and fat. Ofcourse I never thought I would get old. Here I am old, fat, sick, and full of pain.
How's that for a self fulfilling Prophecy! (my check spelling is not working)
I have accomplished a few things though in my life.
1. Learned about Jehovah and his son Jesus, developed a close relatonship with them. Accepted Jesus as my savior and reining King, and serve them with my whole heart and soul.
2. Married the man who made me whole, even when we had some supposed insurmountable issues.
3. Had and raised a wonderful daughter.
4. Had and raised two sons. One of who I know where he is.
5. Have four wonderful Grandchildren.
6. Completed two of my goals as a child. I had wanted to be either a Vet, a Nurse, or a Secretary.
I was able to become a Secretary and went on to become a Nurse. I think that was very good to have been able to complete these goals.
One thing I had always told myself that if I ever had children they would never have to fend for themselves if there was anyway I could prevent it. I was the best Mother I could be. I know I was not always very good as a parent, but I did try extemely hard.
I cooked, and cleaned. I was a very good cook then. Almost everything I cooked for my children I made from scrach. They only had processed foods if we went to visit family. It was very hard sometimes has we have very little money for the most part in those early days.
Dennis always told me that it didn't matter where we had to live I made it into a home. That was one of my goals growing up as well. Rarely did I feel I was at home, I just never seemed to fit in. I always felt like the outsider. My father made it clear to me very early on that I was not his child, even though I carried his name and the courts said he had to support me. His parents and family also made sure that I knew my place and was not one of them.
I over heard a conversation once in which my father was telling someone that he knew I had to be the child of some guy named Curt Dugger. This guy had been his best friend for a while, but he knew he had had an affair with my Mother as soon as he saw me. They were no longer friends after I was born and I never saw or met this man. I ask Mother about this once. She told me that it was because I had blond hair and Curt had blond hair. She also assured my that my father was my father. While I believed her he didn't until he was very old and it really didn't matter anymore.
I think that I am done with this for now as my hands and arms are hurting and Baby my cat has decided she has to have my full attention.
I am also very weak, as I have had diarrhea since yesterday afternoon. I had such a good morning though. I was able to even work in my pond for a little while, and clean the kitchen. Then it was two hot to work outside and I had to rest for awhile. I had plans of cleaning the floors but ocourse I started to feel bad and then the diarrhea started. I used to pride myself on the fact that I never got headaches, never vomited, and never had diarrhea, even though they came with having fibro. Can no longer make those claims.
I remember a time when I had no pain, I had an extremely high tolerance to pain. I was healthy, and rarely got sick, while I thought I was fat sometimes I wasn't. I used to tell myself that I would never get old and fat. Ofcourse I never thought I would get old. Here I am old, fat, sick, and full of pain.
How's that for a self fulfilling Prophecy! (my check spelling is not working)
I have accomplished a few things though in my life.
1. Learned about Jehovah and his son Jesus, developed a close relatonship with them. Accepted Jesus as my savior and reining King, and serve them with my whole heart and soul.
2. Married the man who made me whole, even when we had some supposed insurmountable issues.
3. Had and raised a wonderful daughter.
4. Had and raised two sons. One of who I know where he is.
5. Have four wonderful Grandchildren.
6. Completed two of my goals as a child. I had wanted to be either a Vet, a Nurse, or a Secretary.
I was able to become a Secretary and went on to become a Nurse. I think that was very good to have been able to complete these goals.
One thing I had always told myself that if I ever had children they would never have to fend for themselves if there was anyway I could prevent it. I was the best Mother I could be. I know I was not always very good as a parent, but I did try extemely hard.
I cooked, and cleaned. I was a very good cook then. Almost everything I cooked for my children I made from scrach. They only had processed foods if we went to visit family. It was very hard sometimes has we have very little money for the most part in those early days.
Dennis always told me that it didn't matter where we had to live I made it into a home. That was one of my goals growing up as well. Rarely did I feel I was at home, I just never seemed to fit in. I always felt like the outsider. My father made it clear to me very early on that I was not his child, even though I carried his name and the courts said he had to support me. His parents and family also made sure that I knew my place and was not one of them.
I over heard a conversation once in which my father was telling someone that he knew I had to be the child of some guy named Curt Dugger. This guy had been his best friend for a while, but he knew he had had an affair with my Mother as soon as he saw me. They were no longer friends after I was born and I never saw or met this man. I ask Mother about this once. She told me that it was because I had blond hair and Curt had blond hair. She also assured my that my father was my father. While I believed her he didn't until he was very old and it really didn't matter anymore.
I think that I am done with this for now as my hands and arms are hurting and Baby my cat has decided she has to have my full attention.
Tuesday, August 23, 2011
Pain, Pain go away
Another night of pain. Well my daughter suggested that I keep a systems blog as well as one for what I remember of Mother's and my life. So that is what I will attempt to do.
Last night was one of pain. I attempted to sleep, but I would get comfortable and then my left arm would tingle and ache. I would then move around and once settled my right arm would begin to ache, and my hand would start to hurt. I would move and rub my hand and stretch my fingers and settle back down.
My neck began to hurt and ache. After moving around to ease my neck, I would get comfortable again. Next my knees started to hurt, the left mainly ached, but the right one had pain shooting through it. Once I got them settled back down to a dull ache. I gave up on attempting to sleep again for now.
It's not quite 5:15, so my day is going to be very slow and I will probably sleep off and on.
Last night was one of pain. I attempted to sleep, but I would get comfortable and then my left arm would tingle and ache. I would then move around and once settled my right arm would begin to ache, and my hand would start to hurt. I would move and rub my hand and stretch my fingers and settle back down.
My neck began to hurt and ache. After moving around to ease my neck, I would get comfortable again. Next my knees started to hurt, the left mainly ached, but the right one had pain shooting through it. Once I got them settled back down to a dull ache. I gave up on attempting to sleep again for now.
It's not quite 5:15, so my day is going to be very slow and I will probably sleep off and on.
After midnight
Here I am again, I have attempted to go to sleep twice now. I am very tired and would like to sleep, but when I lay down to do so I can not get comfortable. My feet burn, and then my legs ache, my left arm gets tingly, and starts to ache. Then my hands hurt, and my right arm get tingly and achy. Then I have to get up and go to the bath room.
So I decided to get some cherry's, but I didn't put on my glasses. But even without my glasses I found some with mold on them, so my granddaughter had to help me go through the to pick out the moldy ones. I thanked her and told her that I had been told once that cherry's helped with pain, but I didn't think moldy ones would. She thought the whole thing was funny. But I reassured her that while I was going to eat the cherry's I was also going to take a pain pill, maybe the two of them would help.
The arthritis in my right hand is getting a lot worse, my hand hurts all of the time now and it is hard to hold on to things. I guess I am going to have to learn to be more left handed. It pains me I used to have such nice hands, and now my right hand is twisted and not very nice. The left is still fairly straight, but still not very strong anymore.
The woes of getting old. I wish I felt like I look. Last time I was in the hospital the nurses thought I was only 40. I told them thanks but I'm glad that I'm not, because at 40 I was very healthy, and that I would feel really bad if I had all of this going on at that age. It makes me sad that my poor daughter is only in her 40's and has already started having many of the same problems that I have now. At least I
was in my mid 50's before I started having so many problems.
I am so very thankful that I was healthy enough to be there and to take care of Dennis when he needed me. It would have been so hard on him if I had gotten ill while he was still here. It was hard enough on him to have to suffer through all of the things that he faced, with me there to support and care for him. But he always worried about me and if I got sick or he thought I was hurt or sick it was very hard for him to handle. I remember when I had my hysterectomy, they told me later that if I moaned he would be demanding they give me pain medication. If Doctor Moore had not happened by and the nurses got him to explain to Dennis that I had to wake up and it was ok for me to have some pain, they didn't know what would have happened. He just didn't want me to ever have any kind of pain.
I really love that man, and I sure do miss him. But I am so glad that he is no longer in pain and that soon he will be awaken by Jesus to a world where there is no pain, and will never have to suffer nor see anyone else suffer or die again. What a grand hope we have. What love Jehovah showed for his creation to give up his only begotten son for us. What love Jesus showed to accept a human body and give up living with his Father, knowing the pain and suffering he would go through for us. He even knew that so many would not accept him as Jehovah's son, and yet he even loved them enough to give his perfect life for them as well.
I thank Jehovah every day for allowing me to know him and to serve him as best as I can. I thank him also for the example his son gave us, and the love they both showed and continue to show.
Well I have done the italics thing again and have no idea how to undo it. I think I will try again to sleep.
So I decided to get some cherry's, but I didn't put on my glasses. But even without my glasses I found some with mold on them, so my granddaughter had to help me go through the to pick out the moldy ones. I thanked her and told her that I had been told once that cherry's helped with pain, but I didn't think moldy ones would. She thought the whole thing was funny. But I reassured her that while I was going to eat the cherry's I was also going to take a pain pill, maybe the two of them would help.
The arthritis in my right hand is getting a lot worse, my hand hurts all of the time now and it is hard to hold on to things. I guess I am going to have to learn to be more left handed. It pains me I used to have such nice hands, and now my right hand is twisted and not very nice. The left is still fairly straight, but still not very strong anymore.
The woes of getting old. I wish I felt like I look. Last time I was in the hospital the nurses thought I was only 40. I told them thanks but I'm glad that I'm not, because at 40 I was very healthy, and that I would feel really bad if I had all of this going on at that age. It makes me sad that my poor daughter is only in her 40's and has already started having many of the same problems that I have now. At least I
was in my mid 50's before I started having so many problems.
I am so very thankful that I was healthy enough to be there and to take care of Dennis when he needed me. It would have been so hard on him if I had gotten ill while he was still here. It was hard enough on him to have to suffer through all of the things that he faced, with me there to support and care for him. But he always worried about me and if I got sick or he thought I was hurt or sick it was very hard for him to handle. I remember when I had my hysterectomy, they told me later that if I moaned he would be demanding they give me pain medication. If Doctor Moore had not happened by and the nurses got him to explain to Dennis that I had to wake up and it was ok for me to have some pain, they didn't know what would have happened. He just didn't want me to ever have any kind of pain.
I really love that man, and I sure do miss him. But I am so glad that he is no longer in pain and that soon he will be awaken by Jesus to a world where there is no pain, and will never have to suffer nor see anyone else suffer or die again. What a grand hope we have. What love Jehovah showed for his creation to give up his only begotten son for us. What love Jesus showed to accept a human body and give up living with his Father, knowing the pain and suffering he would go through for us. He even knew that so many would not accept him as Jehovah's son, and yet he even loved them enough to give his perfect life for them as well.
I thank Jehovah every day for allowing me to know him and to serve him as best as I can. I thank him also for the example his son gave us, and the love they both showed and continue to show.
Well I have done the italics thing again and have no idea how to undo it. I think I will try again to sleep.
Monday, August 22, 2011
Remembering
Mother went to sleep in death one year ago on the 20th of this month. She was 78 years of age, but she never really got old. My friend Katy said it best I think. She was 98 when she went to sleep in death and she told me a few months before this, that she was still only 25 inside that it was her body that got old not her. Mother and I had talked about this and she agreed that Katy had stated it right.
Mother may not have started this life with a lot but she ended it with more than most. She lived a very full life. I remember so many things about her that it is very hard to put them all down. Some things she did were very wrong but once she figured out that she needed to do something different she did so.
I loved Mother very much and most of the time we were best friends, but there were times that we were best enemies. But even then I loved her. I miss her very much.
Mother may not have started this life with a lot but she ended it with more than most. She lived a very full life. I remember so many things about her that it is very hard to put them all down. Some things she did were very wrong but once she figured out that she needed to do something different she did so.
I loved Mother very much and most of the time we were best friends, but there were times that we were best enemies. But even then I loved her. I miss her very much.
Life goes on
Slept late this morning, I thought it was 7:30 when I got up. But I looked at the clock wrong, it was 8:30. I am normally up around 5:30 or 5, I may take a break around 8 and fall back to sleep, but I usually have cleaned the litter boxes, fed cats, dogs, and fish, and have done a few other things first. But I was up late last night mulling over the need to stay home by myself while the kids are gone, and their fear of me being home alone.
I prayed about it and know that it will work out. We will come to something that will help each of us feel good about the end results. I know that they are concerned for my safety as I do have some very different medical issues. But I know that I can deal with them effectively while they are away.
It has been two weeks now since I went to the Cardiologist and she increased one of my heart meds. I have not had to used my nitro since. So I think we have that under control for now. The other issue is that I may have another TIA and that it could lead to a stroke. But I think that having my heart under control at this time will help that as well. Because what happens with my vassal spasms is that they not only restrict the oxygen going to my heart but also it restricts it going to my brain and this is what causes the TIA's.
I wish I had not slept so late this morning as I wanted to do some yard work this morning before it got hot, but it is already 103 and to hot for me to work outside. But I was able to get a couple things done in my pond. I love to sit out there and watch my fish swimming and playing in the water. The dogs try to eat the fish food when I throw it in. They try to drink all the water thinking that way they will get the food. They can be a pain, but it is funny to watch. The bigger fish actually come up to the top and watch the dogs. I have even seen them touch noses with them.
Well I am going for now I have a few things to do before I have lunch and then take a nap. I remember when I could go from sun up to long after it had set. Now I spend more time in bed that out of it. I seem to have a pill for everything except energy. How I look forward to a time when I will have all of the energy I need or want.
I prayed about it and know that it will work out. We will come to something that will help each of us feel good about the end results. I know that they are concerned for my safety as I do have some very different medical issues. But I know that I can deal with them effectively while they are away.
It has been two weeks now since I went to the Cardiologist and she increased one of my heart meds. I have not had to used my nitro since. So I think we have that under control for now. The other issue is that I may have another TIA and that it could lead to a stroke. But I think that having my heart under control at this time will help that as well. Because what happens with my vassal spasms is that they not only restrict the oxygen going to my heart but also it restricts it going to my brain and this is what causes the TIA's.
I wish I had not slept so late this morning as I wanted to do some yard work this morning before it got hot, but it is already 103 and to hot for me to work outside. But I was able to get a couple things done in my pond. I love to sit out there and watch my fish swimming and playing in the water. The dogs try to eat the fish food when I throw it in. They try to drink all the water thinking that way they will get the food. They can be a pain, but it is funny to watch. The bigger fish actually come up to the top and watch the dogs. I have even seen them touch noses with them.
Well I am going for now I have a few things to do before I have lunch and then take a nap. I remember when I could go from sun up to long after it had set. Now I spend more time in bed that out of it. I seem to have a pill for everything except energy. How I look forward to a time when I will have all of the energy I need or want.
being older
Here I am at 62 years old and while I know I have a lot of health issues it really upsets me to know that I am not trusted to be on my own for a few days. While I know that I can not go to DL because of these issues. I also know that I am capable of being on my own for a few days. I know how to use the phone and can call 911 if I need to. I have driven all over the US by myself more than once. I have been by my self at home on many occasions for more than a few days. I have worked many hours and taken care of my husband, children, animals, and taken care of the house as well. But now I am not to trusted to take care of myself, the animals, and house for a few days. Then on top of this my daughter informs me that if I was not able to live with them I would be in an assisted living situation. It really makes me feel extremely sad, angry, depressed, and worthless.
It's suddenly I have no rights because I have health issues. I have common sense and know what to do to keep myself safe as well as others. I have a drivers licence but do not drive because on my macular degeneration, and the medication that I take. I feed all the animals daily for the most part, do yard work, house work, and other things on my own. I do have to take a lot of breaks but I am able to do most of them daily. I also make my breakfast, lunch (most of the time), and cook dinner when I am able.
It makes me wonder what they think of me. I have been a very independent person most of my life. I never ask for help if I couldn't do something it would eventually figure out a way to get it done. I have worked since I was 14. I have cleaned homes, offices, parking lots, and yards. I have babysat kids and animals. I have worked on the docks cracking crabs, worded in the field cutting grapes. I went to school to become a secretary, and did great. I worked for the phone company and was the fastest directory assist operator and made some training tapes for them. I worked in a Nursing home as a Nursing assistant, and then went to LPN school and worked cleaning houses, and doing private duty, as well as taking care of the house and children. Then I went on to become and RN and worked my way through all of that.
I guess I need to go to sleep right now, but I know that I am still capable of caring for myself, the animals, and the house for a few days on my own..
It's suddenly I have no rights because I have health issues. I have common sense and know what to do to keep myself safe as well as others. I have a drivers licence but do not drive because on my macular degeneration, and the medication that I take. I feed all the animals daily for the most part, do yard work, house work, and other things on my own. I do have to take a lot of breaks but I am able to do most of them daily. I also make my breakfast, lunch (most of the time), and cook dinner when I am able.
It makes me wonder what they think of me. I have been a very independent person most of my life. I never ask for help if I couldn't do something it would eventually figure out a way to get it done. I have worked since I was 14. I have cleaned homes, offices, parking lots, and yards. I have babysat kids and animals. I have worked on the docks cracking crabs, worded in the field cutting grapes. I went to school to become a secretary, and did great. I worked for the phone company and was the fastest directory assist operator and made some training tapes for them. I worked in a Nursing home as a Nursing assistant, and then went to LPN school and worked cleaning houses, and doing private duty, as well as taking care of the house and children. Then I went on to become and RN and worked my way through all of that.
I guess I need to go to sleep right now, but I know that I am still capable of caring for myself, the animals, and the house for a few days on my own..
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