Life as I remember after Mother and Dad Married

After Mother came and got us from the farm and we met Glen for the first time, we moved to Brownfield, TX.  What I remember is that we lived a house close to Grandma and Grandpa Murphy.  We all started to call Glen, Daddy.  From the very first I felt that I belonged, or anyway I had a Father who loved me.  Dad worked in the oilfield as did all of the Murphy's, and for awhile Mother stayed at home with all of us kids.  At that time our younger brother lived with our Father and Dad's oldest was living with her mother so there was only five of us kids.

Dad worked a lot of hours at that time and they were wildcatters so if they didn't hit oil he didn't get paid.  So some times we had very little money.  When he was off for a few days, unfortunately, he and Mother went out and drank a lot.  In those days I guess everyone drank and smoked a lot.  I remember Grandma and Grandpa Murphy drinking everyday, and it seemed they fought everyday too.  It was pretty boring there for us kids. 

Once when we were under tornado warning and the wind was whipping around, I talked all of the kids to get in a big box we had been playing in and waiting to see if we would be picked up by the tornado and carried off to the land of OZ like Dorothy.   As the wind got worse and the thunder started everyone got scared and ran away into the house.  I stayed in the box until one of the adults found out I wasn't in the storm shelter and came and made me go.  The box was gone after we came out.

The only other things I remember about living there was having to stay sometimes at night with our Step-Uncle.  He was a teenager and we all thought that he looked like a movie star.  I think he did too.  Anyway he would make everyone get ready for bed and then he would decide which one of us girls would have to sleep with him.  None of us wanted to, because he would do things to us that we all knew he shouldn't.  My younger sister had already started to wet the bed sometimes and I wanted so much to protect her that when he would choose her I would volunteer to go in her place.  Sometimes it worked, but not always.  I still don't think anyone of us has every talked about this happening, not even to each other.  I now think that it's very sad that we, I believe, have each one attempted to pretend that never happened to us.  We all knew we could not tell any of the other Adults because he was a favorite and we would never be believed and more than likely be in trouble for saying something like that about him.  Years later my older sister married him, she told someone at that time or before that he had been her first lover.  That was as close to the truth about what he had done as she or at that time any of us ever got.  Their marriage didn't last of course.

After that we moved to Seminole, TX.  Mother was going to have a baby.  We lived in a house on the out skirts of town.  It wasn't a real big house.  It was by the train tracks, and the lady they rented from lived a couple houses away.  She, I don't think, ever had kids.  She liked all of us kids and had us call her Big Momma.  I don't remember her being very big though, I think it was just because she was old.
We had a cow, Bessie, and her calf, Speedy.

Well I think I will have to pick this up latter.

Learning

We I have to say that we are never to old to learn about ourselves.  In a conversation with my daughter the other day I learned something extremely important about myself.  I have missed my husband so much since I lost him to death, and have focused only on the fact that Jehovah has promised us that those asleep in death will be resurrected, that I have failed to continue to live my life now.

We had watched the movie Thor and while it is a very good movie I took it even farther, and compared my dear husband to Thor.  I told my granddaughter that he was my Thor and that at this time our rainbow bridge was broken.  I don't remember the exact words my daughter used but I do know that she made me look at myself and realize what I was doing.

In a way I had placed my husband on the same plan as God (Jehovah). While Thor was a mythical god, and not even a real person.  My husband was a real human being and I loved him more than I can say.  But while death does not change the love I had for him while he was alive it does and should change how I love him now that he no longer lives.  Jehovah is the one and only one that will resurrect him there is no rainbow bridge.

As I look back I know that my depression has gotten worse due to my inability to deal effectively with the loss of my soul mate.  But my soul lives on so I need to examine how I need to react in the future.  I look back on first my leaving SD before I should have.  At that time I was running from my grief, and somehow thought I would be better somewhere else.  Even though prior to his death we had discussed that I should move to AZ with my daughter after his death so that I would be closer to family.  We had not set a time frame as to when.  I needed to have stayed where I was for a while to grieve, and then decide what I wanted to do with my life.  Since that time I have not dealt with my grief in appropriate ways and it has become major depression and has I  now believe made my fibro and chronic pain worse.

Since learning this about myself, I have, first ask Jehovah for his forgiveness and secondly thanked my daughter for pointing this out to me.  While I know that I have a long way to go I hope that this will be a new beginning and I will continue to improve.