Life as I remember after Mother and Dad Married

After Mother came and got us from the farm and we met Glen for the first time, we moved to Brownfield, TX.  What I remember is that we lived a house close to Grandma and Grandpa Murphy.  We all started to call Glen, Daddy.  From the very first I felt that I belonged, or anyway I had a Father who loved me.  Dad worked in the oilfield as did all of the Murphy's, and for awhile Mother stayed at home with all of us kids.  At that time our younger brother lived with our Father and Dad's oldest was living with her mother so there was only five of us kids.

Dad worked a lot of hours at that time and they were wildcatters so if they didn't hit oil he didn't get paid.  So some times we had very little money.  When he was off for a few days, unfortunately, he and Mother went out and drank a lot.  In those days I guess everyone drank and smoked a lot.  I remember Grandma and Grandpa Murphy drinking everyday, and it seemed they fought everyday too.  It was pretty boring there for us kids. 

Once when we were under tornado warning and the wind was whipping around, I talked all of the kids to get in a big box we had been playing in and waiting to see if we would be picked up by the tornado and carried off to the land of OZ like Dorothy.   As the wind got worse and the thunder started everyone got scared and ran away into the house.  I stayed in the box until one of the adults found out I wasn't in the storm shelter and came and made me go.  The box was gone after we came out.

The only other things I remember about living there was having to stay sometimes at night with our Step-Uncle.  He was a teenager and we all thought that he looked like a movie star.  I think he did too.  Anyway he would make everyone get ready for bed and then he would decide which one of us girls would have to sleep with him.  None of us wanted to, because he would do things to us that we all knew he shouldn't.  My younger sister had already started to wet the bed sometimes and I wanted so much to protect her that when he would choose her I would volunteer to go in her place.  Sometimes it worked, but not always.  I still don't think anyone of us has every talked about this happening, not even to each other.  I now think that it's very sad that we, I believe, have each one attempted to pretend that never happened to us.  We all knew we could not tell any of the other Adults because he was a favorite and we would never be believed and more than likely be in trouble for saying something like that about him.  Years later my older sister married him, she told someone at that time or before that he had been her first lover.  That was as close to the truth about what he had done as she or at that time any of us ever got.  Their marriage didn't last of course.

After that we moved to Seminole, TX.  Mother was going to have a baby.  We lived in a house on the out skirts of town.  It wasn't a real big house.  It was by the train tracks, and the lady they rented from lived a couple houses away.  She, I don't think, ever had kids.  She liked all of us kids and had us call her Big Momma.  I don't remember her being very big though, I think it was just because she was old.
We had a cow, Bessie, and her calf, Speedy.

Well I think I will have to pick this up latter.

Learning

We I have to say that we are never to old to learn about ourselves.  In a conversation with my daughter the other day I learned something extremely important about myself.  I have missed my husband so much since I lost him to death, and have focused only on the fact that Jehovah has promised us that those asleep in death will be resurrected, that I have failed to continue to live my life now.

We had watched the movie Thor and while it is a very good movie I took it even farther, and compared my dear husband to Thor.  I told my granddaughter that he was my Thor and that at this time our rainbow bridge was broken.  I don't remember the exact words my daughter used but I do know that she made me look at myself and realize what I was doing.

In a way I had placed my husband on the same plan as God (Jehovah). While Thor was a mythical god, and not even a real person.  My husband was a real human being and I loved him more than I can say.  But while death does not change the love I had for him while he was alive it does and should change how I love him now that he no longer lives.  Jehovah is the one and only one that will resurrect him there is no rainbow bridge.

As I look back I know that my depression has gotten worse due to my inability to deal effectively with the loss of my soul mate.  But my soul lives on so I need to examine how I need to react in the future.  I look back on first my leaving SD before I should have.  At that time I was running from my grief, and somehow thought I would be better somewhere else.  Even though prior to his death we had discussed that I should move to AZ with my daughter after his death so that I would be closer to family.  We had not set a time frame as to when.  I needed to have stayed where I was for a while to grieve, and then decide what I wanted to do with my life.  Since that time I have not dealt with my grief in appropriate ways and it has become major depression and has I  now believe made my fibro and chronic pain worse.

Since learning this about myself, I have, first ask Jehovah for his forgiveness and secondly thanked my daughter for pointing this out to me.  While I know that I have a long way to go I hope that this will be a new beginning and I will continue to improve.

living on the farm

I really enjoyed living on the farm.  Mema and Granddad had about 30 milk cows and grew cotton, corn, and a few other things for sale.  We all, I think, worked in the fields, anyway I know I did. When it was time for the cotton to be picked we had pickers that came.  They were black, and lived in the huts down by the fields.  I loved going down there.  They were some of the happiest people I had ever seen.  They lived in shacks with dirt floors and blankets for doors.  They mainly ate grits, and fatback, but I still remember how happy and at peace they seemed to me.  And they loved me, I think everyone of them from the oldest to the youngest accepted me into their family.

I would sneak off every chance I got to go down and play with the children.  I always felt that I fit in even though I was very white and even had white hair then.  I know it must have looked a little funny with me down there, but I mainly remember the feeling of being loved unconditionally.  When I  could not be found at the house, I would hear my name being yelled, and I can tell you Mema could yell.  That's the only time that as a child I remember her being upset with me.  She would always tell me how I was not to go down there and play with those pick-a-ninnies. I would then be scrubbed from head to toe, just in case I had bugs.  That never made since to me as my friends were very clean.  They even swept the ground outside of their huts.

I don't know how long we were at the farm, I just know that it was months.  I believe that either that time we were there or another time that our Granddad molested my younger sister.  I have no proof, but now I know his history, as he did molest my Aunt, tried to do Mother, and molested my Aunt's daughter.  I found all of this out after I was an adult, and he attempted to rape me, thankfully Dennis and my Aunt came in before he was able to do much.  Over the years I have looked back and I remember him always taking my little sister with him when he was going out to the barn.  It makes me sad if that really happened and nobody was there to protect her.

Mother showed up one day to get us and she had gotten married.  She had married Glen S. Murphy, and he had three children, Sandra, Diane, and Mike.  Sandra was just older than my older sister, Diane was just younger than my younger sister, and Mike just older than my little brother.  So we moved to Brownfield, TX by Dad's family.   Glen became my Dad almost immediately, because he loved me and my real Father didn't.  Anyway that was the start of the Murphy clan as we became over the years.

I have to go for now.

5:30 am

We went to visit my niece Amber on Wed.,  she had a lay over in Tucson.  I am so glad that I had a good couple days.  I got to visit with her and have a good time.  When we got back home I've been in bed since.  Friday I just could not wake up and when I did I was in such pain I had to go back to sleep.  By last night though I was in such pain I could not sleep through it.  I was up until late, when I did get back to sleep I had to wake up to take more pain pills, and I'm still awake and in pain now.
I just seem to hurt every where, with spots that are more painful.  My right shoulder feels like a torn rotater cuff, but I know it's not.  Of course my hands really hurt. makes it hard to type.

One day soon and I will not have to feel this way.  Jehovah's promise is what keeps me going.  I know that what he says will come to pass at it's appointed time.  I am so very thankful for that.  Without his holy spirit ti strengthen me I don't know how I could ever function.

I am blessed to be able to live with my daughter, son-in-law, and granddaughter.  There are times that I can do nothing and the animals would go hungry as well as I would.  Although I could lose a few pounds, but that's another story.  I wish sometimes that my son's were more involved in my life, but I do have contact with one of them on a limited basis.  I know that as soon as I say I really need some money for whatever he will not hear what I said and will need to get off the phone.  Or if I talk about Jehovah again he will not be able to hear what I was saying and will need to get off the phone.  Or if I ask him to see if he can bring or send my grandsons to see me.  Oh well, Jehovah has blessed me with the children I need to help me during this time.  So I am very thankful, even if I don't tell them enough sometimes, and complain about my limitations. I love them very much.

Good Night

I had a good night for once.  I had a good day yesterday, and then slept good last night.  I woke with only my normal aches and pains at 4am.  I am hopeful of having a fairly good day again.  I just wish this heat would go down.  But I know that as with all things during this time of the end of this system we all have to put up with some discomfort from the weather and other things affecting this old  world.  It is that I have learned that any extreme in the weather affects me.

My hands are getting so bad.  They hurt all of the time now.  But my knees are not to bad right now anyway.  So I have quite a lot to be thankful for.

I hope to be up to cleaning the floors today.  While the rumba pick up it does not mop.  So I need to do that today.

I made carrot soup yesterday and I was the only one that liked it.  I saw the recipe in a magazine at a doctors office.  I thought it sounded good, but that is how it goes I guess.  At least I was able to make dinner even if nobody liked it.  Well it 5am and I need to get up and get started on my day.

Mother

I think that for a while after Mother left our father she kind of forgot that she had children.  She was free to do things that she had never been able to do and did not have to answer to anyone.  She was young, very pretty and excited to be able to breathe. 

One problem she faced was that she had no education and was not able to get any other jobs but as a waitress, of cocktail waitress.  Both took her away for long hours and introduced her to different men.  Some of them were nice but others were like our father or worse.  She did her best in those early years to make sure she had someone staying with us, but most of the time they were young girls like her that needed to get away from someone or something and just needed a place to stay. We all learned early on to take care of ourselves and for the most part each other.

I know that she had left our father twice but the first time she had gone back.  I don't remember that first time.  But I remember her telling about taking us all on a bus all the way from Calif. back to Texas.  That must have been something having a small baby and three other kids five and under.  But she managed to do it.  Only thing was that she got no support for leaving her husband.  She told me once that her Mother told her that she needed to go back and remember that as a wife she was to put up with what ever her husband did.  I loved my Mama but I think she forgot that she had left her first husband because of he drinking and violent ways.  Anyway she went back but the time I remember she did not go back and we had to learn a whole different way of life.

I don't know how long the had been separated but one time our father showed up at our house on a night he was not expected.  My older sister went to the door, she was going to let him in even though he told her he had a gun and was going to shoot our Mother.  I only know that I stopped her and yelled for Mother.  I don't remember what happened after that but I remember being very scared, I know that if he had shot Mother he would have shot at least me.  It never made since to me, our father had been seeing Maxine for a long time before Mother left him and was even living with her when he came over that night.  But I guess it was one of those things we see so ofter in this old world, if he couldn't have her no one could.

After that I think is when we moved to the asparagus farm.  Mother was working in the fields there and we got a house to live in as a part of her pay.  We didn't have a fridge so we kept our milk and cold things in the window sill.  I was the  tester to see if the milk had gone bad because no one else would.
Then we got chicken pox and I remember having to have socks on my hands to keep from itching.  We had to stay in a dark room while we were broke out.  Our little brother got one blister on his cheek, while the rest of us had them all over.

I really don't have a lot of memories of those early years, I guess there was so much going on that I blocked most of them out.  Mother never stayed in one place very long.  But we stayed in Sacramento until after their divorce was final.  By then our little brother had gone to live with our father and the three of us girls stayed with Mother.  We went to visit our father sometimes and were to spend the summer with him.  Mother continued to move around and we went with her. 

We moved back to Texas for a while.  But Mother left us with Mema on the farm while she went off to work and play.  I loved the farm, but I think that being there made me more aware that everyone believed I was not my fathers.

Well I guess I have to go now as the cat will not let me type.

still awake

Have been awake for over an hour now.  But still so tired I can hardly move.  I hate fibro..  I used to have so much energy that I could sleep my 8 hours and go from 5am until 10 or 11.  Now even if I'm awake  can only go for a few hours at most.  I've done these italics again.  I don't know how I do this.

A friend just lost her Mother and the memorial was today.  It made me think of Mother so I thought I would write some about what I remember.  As I have said befor Mother was only 15 when she had my older sister, even though it was the day before she turned 16.  I came along 18 months later.  Then my younger sister came along a year later, for six days we are the same age.  I think the fact that she was another girl made it worse for both my Mother and me.  So she had three children by the time she was 18. 

Our older sister was born in Big Spring, Tx, and the other two of us were born in Sacramento, Cal. then two years later she had a baby boy born in Big Springs again, but he only lived about three days.  He was named after our father and I think that again made it worse for Mother, as she was blaimed for his death.  Even though it was accknowledged that it was the doctors fault. 

Then about two years after the loss of the baby she gave birth to another son.  We were back in Sacramento again.  By then I think that Mother was done with being beaten and blamed for everything that went wrong.  I don't know what my sisters remember about our parents being together, but all I remember are the sounds.  I remember Mother crying for him to stop and hearing him yelling and the sounds of someone being hit.  I look at pictures and have no memory of them.

I remember the last place they lived in together.  They were building a house and I would go out and talk to the older man that was doing the foundation.  He would share his lunch with me.  Then I remember talking my older sister into putting her finger into a lamp socket and turning it on to see what would happen.  I was the only one who found it funny.  Then I remember the night Mother finally left.  Our father was in his chair crying and we all had to tell him bye and he tried to make me tell Mother not to leave him.  I can remember thinking how glad I was to get away from him.

By this time Mother was old enough to drink and she was already smoking.  I don't remember where we first moved to but I know that she was leaving us with younger girls and that basically we were watching ourselves and our little brother.  She was at last free of our father and I think she reacted to that by doing things that she had spent years being accused of and not doing.  She forgot that she had us to take care of and we were put to the back of her mind.  She loved us but I don't think she fully understood what she should be doing.

Well I need to stop for now.

Awake again

This is one of those days that I can not do much but sleep.  I don't function very well.  It is taking everything I have to write this.  I have to keep correcting my typing and normaly I type very good.  But on days like this I feel like my arms weigh a ton, they are shaky and it is hard for me to manover them.  To even hold my head up take such effort, and to get up to the bathroom is extremely difficult.  I am dizzy, and off balance.  All I want to do is sleep.

It is days like these that make the kids concerned with leaving me alone.  I understand and am glad for there concern.

slow morning

Been awake since before 6 this morning but having a very slow morning.  It's hot and cloudy, and I've learner that not only can I not handle the cold but any extremes.  I used to be great in the heat, but now if it gets above 100 I don't function.  Clouds bother me very badly so now I have extreme heat and clouds.  Although it's only 93 at this time. 

I've only brushed my teeth, had breakfast, cleaned the litter boxes, and fed the cats and I now need a nap.  How sad is that.  But I think I will have a nap and then try to do something constrictive.  Even typing is extremely tiring.

Awake

Here it is almost 2am and the dog woke me up to go outside and now I am in so much pain I can not go back to sleep.  I feel like someone has beat me with a bat.  I have sore spots all over and my neck is the worse.  I even hurts to touch my forehead.  My skin is so sensitive that to try to massage my painful areas causes more pain. Typing this is painful as my hands exp. the right one really hurts.

 I am also very weak, as I have had diarrhea since yesterday afternoon.  I had such a good morning though.  I was able to even work in my pond for a little while, and clean the kitchen.  Then it was two hot to work outside and I had to rest for awhile.  I had plans of cleaning the floors but ocourse I started to feel bad and then the diarrhea started.  I used to pride myself on the fact that I never got headaches, never vomited, and never had diarrhea, even though they came with having fibro.  Can no longer make those claims.

I remember a time when I had no pain, I had an extremely high tolerance to pain. I was healthy, and rarely got sick, while I thought I was fat sometimes I wasn't.  I used to tell myself that I would never get old and fat.  Ofcourse I never thought I would get old.  Here I am  old, fat, sick, and full of pain.
How's that for a self fulfilling Prophecy! (my check spelling is not working)

I have accomplished a few things though in my life.

1.  Learned about Jehovah and his son Jesus, developed a close relatonship with them.  Accepted Jesus as my savior and reining King, and serve them with my whole heart and soul.

2.  Married the man who made me whole, even when we had some supposed insurmountable issues.

3.  Had and raised a wonderful daughter.

4.  Had and raised two sons.  One of who I know where he is.

5.  Have four wonderful Grandchildren.

6.  Completed two of my goals as a child.  I had wanted to be either a Vet, a Nurse, or a Secretary.
I was able to become a Secretary and went on to become a Nurse.  I think that was very good to have been able to complete these goals.

One thing I had always told myself that if I ever had children they would never have to fend for themselves if there was anyway I could prevent it.  I was the best Mother I could be.  I know I was not always very good as a parent, but I did try extemely hard.

I cooked, and cleaned.  I was a very good cook then.  Almost everything I cooked for my children I made from scrach.  They only had processed foods if we went to visit family.  It was very hard sometimes has we have very little money for the most part in those early days.

Dennis always told me that it didn't matter where we had to live I made it into a home.  That was one of my goals growing up as well.  Rarely did I feel I was at home, I just never seemed to fit in.  I always felt like the outsider.  My father made it clear to me very early on that I was not his child, even though I carried his name and the courts said he had to support me.  His parents and family also made sure that I knew my place and was not one of them.

I over heard a conversation once in which my father was telling someone that he knew I had to be the child of some guy named Curt Dugger.  This guy had been his best friend for a while, but he knew he had had an affair with my Mother as soon as he saw me. They were no longer friends after I was born and I never saw or met this man.  I ask Mother about this once.  She told me that it was because I had blond hair and Curt had blond hair.  She also assured my that my father was my father.  While I believed her he didn't until he was very old and it really didn't matter anymore.

I think that I am done with this for now as my hands and arms are hurting and Baby my cat has decided she has to have my full attention.

Pain, Pain go away

Another night of pain.  Well my daughter suggested that I keep a systems blog as well as one for what I remember of Mother's and my life.  So that is what I will attempt to do.

Last night was one of pain.  I attempted to sleep, but I would get comfortable and then my left arm would tingle and ache.  I would then move around and once settled my right arm would begin to ache, and my hand would start to hurt.  I would move and rub my hand and stretch my fingers and settle back down.

My neck began to hurt and ache.  After moving around to ease my neck, I would get comfortable again.  Next my knees started to hurt, the left mainly ached, but the right one had pain shooting through it.  Once I got them settled back down to a dull ache.  I gave up on attempting to sleep again for now.

It's not quite 5:15, so my day is going to be very slow and I will probably sleep off and on.

After midnight

Here I am again, I have attempted to go to  sleep twice now.  I am very tired and would like to sleep, but when I lay down to do so I can not get comfortable.  My feet burn, and then my legs ache, my left arm gets tingly, and starts to ache.  Then my hands hurt, and my right arm get tingly and achy.  Then I have to get up and go to the bath room. 

So I decided to get some cherry's, but I didn't put on my glasses.  But even without my glasses I found some with mold on them, so my granddaughter had to help me go through the to pick out the moldy ones.  I thanked her and told her that I had been told once that cherry's helped with pain, but I didn't think moldy ones would.  She thought the whole thing was funny.  But I reassured her that while I was going to eat the cherry's I was also going to take a pain pill, maybe the two of them would help.

The arthritis in my right hand is getting a lot worse, my hand hurts all of the time now and it is hard to hold on to things.  I guess I am going to have to learn to be more left handed.  It pains me I used to have such nice hands, and now my right hand is twisted and not very nice.  The left is still fairly straight, but still not very strong anymore.

The woes of getting old.  I wish I felt like I look.  Last time I was in the hospital the nurses thought I was only 40.  I told them thanks but I'm glad that I'm not, because at 40 I was very healthy, and that I would feel really bad if I had all of this going on at that age.  It makes me sad that my poor daughter is only in her 40's and has already started having many of the same problems that I have now.  At least I
was in my mid 50's before I started having so many problems. 

I am so very thankful that I was healthy enough to be there and to take care of Dennis when he needed me.  It would have been so hard on him if I had gotten ill while he was still here.  It was hard enough on him to have to suffer through all of the things that he faced, with me there to support and care for him.  But he always worried about me and if I got sick or he thought I was hurt or sick it was very hard for him to handle.  I remember when I had my hysterectomy, they told me later that if I moaned he would be demanding they give me pain medication.  If Doctor Moore had not happened by and the nurses got him to explain to Dennis that I had to wake up and it was ok for me to have some pain, they didn't know what would have happened.  He just didn't want me to ever have any kind of pain.

I really love that man, and I sure do miss him.  But I am so glad that he is no longer in pain and that soon he will be awaken by Jesus to a world where there is no pain, and will never have to suffer nor see anyone else suffer or die again.  What a grand hope we have.  What love Jehovah showed for his creation to give up his only begotten son for us.  What love Jesus showed to accept a human body and give up living with his Father, knowing the pain and suffering he would go through for us.  He even knew that so many would not accept him as Jehovah's son, and yet he even loved them enough to give his perfect life for them as well.

I thank Jehovah every day for allowing me to know him and to serve him as best as I can.  I thank him also for the example his son gave us, and the love they both showed and continue to show. 

Well I have done the italics thing again and have no idea how to undo it.  I think I will try again to sleep.

Remembering

Mother went to sleep in death one year ago on the 20th of this month.  She was 78 years of age, but she never really got old.  My friend Katy said it best I think.  She was 98 when she went to sleep in death and she told me a few months before this, that she was still only 25 inside that it was her body that got old not her.  Mother and I had talked about this and she agreed that Katy had stated  it right.

Mother may not have started this life with a lot but she ended it with more than most.  She lived a very full life.  I remember so many things about her that it is very hard to put them all down. Some things she did were very wrong but once she figured out that she needed to do something different she did so. 

I loved Mother very much and most of the time we were best friends, but there were times that we were best enemies.  But even then I loved her.  I miss her very much.

Life goes on

Slept late this morning, I thought it was 7:30 when I got up.  But I looked at the clock wrong, it was 8:30.  I am normally up around 5:30 or 5, I may take a break around 8 and fall back to sleep, but I usually have cleaned the litter boxes, fed cats, dogs, and fish, and have done a few other things first.  But I was up late last night mulling over the need to stay home by myself while the kids are gone, and their fear of me being home alone.

I prayed about it and know that it will work out.  We will come to something that will help each of us feel good about the end results.  I know that they are concerned for my safety as I do have some very different medical issues.  But I know that I can deal with them effectively while they are away. 

It has been two weeks now since I went to the Cardiologist and she increased one of my heart meds. I have not had to used my nitro since.  So I think we have that under control for now.  The other issue is that I may have another TIA and that it could lead to a stroke.  But I think that having my heart under control at this time will help that as well.  Because what happens with my vassal spasms is that they not only restrict the oxygen going to my heart but also it restricts it going to my brain and this is what causes the TIA's.

I wish I had not slept so late this morning as I wanted to do some yard work this morning before it got hot, but it is already 103 and to hot for me to work outside.  But I was able to get a couple things done in my pond. I love to sit out there and watch my fish swimming and playing in the water.  The dogs try to eat the fish food when I throw it in.  They try to drink all the water thinking that way they will get the food.  They can be a pain, but it is funny to watch.  The bigger fish actually come up to the top and watch the dogs.  I have even seen them touch noses with them.

Well I am going for now I have a few things to do before I have lunch and then take a nap.  I remember when I could go from sun up to long after it had set.  Now I spend more time in bed that out of it.  I seem to have a pill for everything except energy.  How I look forward to a time when I will have all of the energy I need or want.

being older

Here I am at 62 years old and while I know I have a lot of health issues it really upsets me to know that I am not trusted to be on my own for a few days.  While I know that I can not go to DL because of these issues.  I also know that I am capable of being on my own for a few days.  I know how to use the phone and can call 911 if I need to.  I have driven all over the US by myself more than once.  I have been by my self at home on many occasions for more than a few days.  I have worked many hours and taken care of my husband, children, animals, and taken care of the house as well.  But now I am not to trusted to take care of myself, the animals, and house for a few days.  Then on top of this my daughter informs me that if I was not able to live with them I would be in an assisted living situation.  It really makes me feel extremely sad, angry, depressed, and worthless.

It's suddenly I have no rights because I have health issues.  I have common sense and know what to do to keep myself safe as well as others.  I have a drivers licence but do not drive because on my macular degeneration, and the medication that I take.  I feed all the animals daily for the most part, do yard work, house work, and other things on my own.  I do have to take a lot of breaks but I am able to do most of them daily.  I also make my breakfast, lunch (most of the time), and cook dinner when I am able.

It makes me wonder what they think of me.  I have been a very independent person most of my life.  I never ask for help if I couldn't do something it would eventually figure out a way to get it done.  I have worked since I was 14.  I have cleaned homes, offices, parking lots, and yards.  I have babysat kids and animals.  I have worked on the docks cracking crabs, worded in the field cutting grapes.  I went to school to become a secretary, and did great.  I worked for the phone company and was the fastest directory assist operator and made some training tapes for them.  I worked in a Nursing home as a Nursing assistant, and then went to LPN school and worked cleaning houses, and doing private duty, as well as taking care of the house and children.  Then I went on to become and RN and worked my way through all of that.

I guess I need to go to sleep right now, but I know that I am still capable of caring for myself, the animals, and the house for a few days on my own..

today

Another pain filled night.  It's almost 3am and here I am hoping my pain pills will start to work.  One day soon and I will have no more pain and will not even be able to call it to mind ever again.  That is the promise that Jehovah has given and I sure look forward to that as well as being able to welcome back my loved ones from deaths sleep.  I know that without this hope and the knowledge that we will be able to live on an earth free of all the badness and ills of the system I could not cope.  Jehovah is such a loving GOD and I am so very glad that I know him and that he knows me.  I will praise him all the days of my life and I hope that my life will be forever.

Well let me see if I can fill in a few more facts that I remember about my Mother.  I know that she must have been bowled over by the fact that my father, an older man, and who they felt was a was hero, which I guess in many ways he was.  Anyway he was also the very first person to come back to Big Spring, Tx driving a brand new car right after WW2, and he picked her.  She was so young and innocent and he was a man of the world and an alcoholic, but she didn't even know what that was.

I don't really know if they fell in love or not.  I believe she thought she did, and he had someone that made him feel more alive and like a man.  If they had know about PTSD at that time maybe he would have gotten treatment and saved a lot of heartache.  I don't know when the beatings started I only know that they did and if she had not have finally left for good he would have killed her.  Anyway they got married and she had my sister the day before she was 16.  Then they moved to Calif.

Once they got away from family in Tx, my father introduced Mother to the world of alcohol, and violence.  He was a very jealous man, and felt that if anyone looked at Mother she was having an affair with them.  I'm not even sure she understood any of this until many years later.

 Anyway I was born in Sacramento, Calif in 1949.  Biggest problem was I was a girl, and next I had blond hair and green eyes.  This was a very big set up for his belief that she was not faithful.  They both had very dark almost black hair.  He had brown eyes, she had green eyes.  They had one girl and he had forgiven her for that but now she had another girl, not good.

Well I need to sign off for now.  See ya.

Morning again

It's almost 2:30 and I've been awake again for a couple hours.  I do not believe the pain will ever go away.  Took two pain pills and turned on facebook, played games and the remembered this blog.  Was no sure I could even get in this time it's been so long.

Since I was here last I've been in the hospital twice and had an episode that lasted a week during which I could not speak.  My mind said the words but my mouth came out with jiberish. Went to the doctors again, had MRI, by the next day I could speak again.  Of course MRI showed only normal changes caused by age.  Was sent to the Neurologist several days later.  He only wanted to see the report and did not even look at the MRI, also was not interested in any past medical or neurological issues. Questioned about whether or not I had a headache, when I said that I had, and that I rarely had them, he diagnosis was migrane resulting in side effect of speech disorder.  When I attempted to explain that in the past, a couple years ago that I had something very simular occur only at that time I ended up with a very strong accent and was dx with forgien accent sym, and went to speech tx for almost a year to help with it.  He informed me that he had never heard of such a thing and that it did not pertain to what had happened this time.  I was then dismissed and sent on my way.

My PCP had also requested that I visit with a Psy.  I tried to explain that I did not need to as while this was something going on in my head it was not a psy issue.  But I made the appointment and today I went to it.  My appointment was for 12:30 and I was to arrive at 12:15 for check in.  By 1:20 I ask how much longer, and was told I was next. At 1:30 I ask again and explained that my appointment had been for 12:30 and was told well he is with a patient.  At 1:40 I told them to remove my chart and that I felt that this was extremely unacceptable to be kept waiting for over an hour and I was leaving.  They were shocked that I would leave, but again I told them that this was unacceptale and the I had better not see that they had billed SS or ChampVA.

We need the new system so very bad.  I get so exasperated.  I know that I am not imagining these issues that I have and that I do not have a psy problem..

I seem to be having so many problems with Doctors and even though I know that I have to keep going it is just so very tiring.

Well I know that I was going to write about my Mother but I just had to complain and whine for awhile. Now I'm writing in ittalics and have no idea what I did.  I think I'm going to try to sleep again as my pain pills have kicked in.  Night All

Good Morning All

    Here it is 4:30 AM and I  have been awake since 2 something.  Pain is a never ending thing.   Sometimes it is hard for me to remember a time without it. But at least it lets you know your still alive...
  You know I started a blog once before (not here) but it didn't work out for me.  My daughter thought I should try again so I am.  Just so you all know that not only am I a widdow but I have lost my parents as well. My Mother lost her battle with cancer last Aug., it seems like since my husband, Dennis, died I have lost someone every couple years.  Anyway I think I might just talk about Mother for awhile.
     Mother was know as B. for the last 40 years or so.  But growing up she was know as Babe.  Her real name was Birtie Mae Hollis.  She was born Nov. 22, 1931.  She had some life and did things that sometime I marvel at, and wonder how she managed.  She was born in East Texas and raised in West Texas.  Her mother was Minnie Mae Lynn, Hollis, Daves. 
    Mother married my father when she was all of 15 and had my oldest sister the day before she turned 16.  Sorry had to take a nitro break, had to take two again and debate on calling Ada to go to hospital again.  But two helped this time.  But have to pick up my story another time. 

Life

Well here goes...
    I never thought that I would still be here at this time.  I thought that this old system would be long gone by now.  I used to tell Ada that we would be in the new system long before she graduated from school.  But my time line and Jehovah are not the same.  Probaly a good thing....
    Anyway I am here and I am going to share my life with you all.  I am going to start with what I remember of my Mother.  But this is it for this morning. 

Just getting set up...

Just getting all set up for now.  Almost there! =)