Awake

Here it is almost 2am and the dog woke me up to go outside and now I am in so much pain I can not go back to sleep.  I feel like someone has beat me with a bat.  I have sore spots all over and my neck is the worse.  I even hurts to touch my forehead.  My skin is so sensitive that to try to massage my painful areas causes more pain. Typing this is painful as my hands exp. the right one really hurts.

 I am also very weak, as I have had diarrhea since yesterday afternoon.  I had such a good morning though.  I was able to even work in my pond for a little while, and clean the kitchen.  Then it was two hot to work outside and I had to rest for awhile.  I had plans of cleaning the floors but ocourse I started to feel bad and then the diarrhea started.  I used to pride myself on the fact that I never got headaches, never vomited, and never had diarrhea, even though they came with having fibro.  Can no longer make those claims.

I remember a time when I had no pain, I had an extremely high tolerance to pain. I was healthy, and rarely got sick, while I thought I was fat sometimes I wasn't.  I used to tell myself that I would never get old and fat.  Ofcourse I never thought I would get old.  Here I am  old, fat, sick, and full of pain.
How's that for a self fulfilling Prophecy! (my check spelling is not working)

I have accomplished a few things though in my life.

1.  Learned about Jehovah and his son Jesus, developed a close relatonship with them.  Accepted Jesus as my savior and reining King, and serve them with my whole heart and soul.

2.  Married the man who made me whole, even when we had some supposed insurmountable issues.

3.  Had and raised a wonderful daughter.

4.  Had and raised two sons.  One of who I know where he is.

5.  Have four wonderful Grandchildren.

6.  Completed two of my goals as a child.  I had wanted to be either a Vet, a Nurse, or a Secretary.
I was able to become a Secretary and went on to become a Nurse.  I think that was very good to have been able to complete these goals.

One thing I had always told myself that if I ever had children they would never have to fend for themselves if there was anyway I could prevent it.  I was the best Mother I could be.  I know I was not always very good as a parent, but I did try extemely hard.

I cooked, and cleaned.  I was a very good cook then.  Almost everything I cooked for my children I made from scrach.  They only had processed foods if we went to visit family.  It was very hard sometimes has we have very little money for the most part in those early days.

Dennis always told me that it didn't matter where we had to live I made it into a home.  That was one of my goals growing up as well.  Rarely did I feel I was at home, I just never seemed to fit in.  I always felt like the outsider.  My father made it clear to me very early on that I was not his child, even though I carried his name and the courts said he had to support me.  His parents and family also made sure that I knew my place and was not one of them.

I over heard a conversation once in which my father was telling someone that he knew I had to be the child of some guy named Curt Dugger.  This guy had been his best friend for a while, but he knew he had had an affair with my Mother as soon as he saw me. They were no longer friends after I was born and I never saw or met this man.  I ask Mother about this once.  She told me that it was because I had blond hair and Curt had blond hair.  She also assured my that my father was my father.  While I believed her he didn't until he was very old and it really didn't matter anymore.

I think that I am done with this for now as my hands and arms are hurting and Baby my cat has decided she has to have my full attention.