still awake

Have been awake for over an hour now.  But still so tired I can hardly move.  I hate fibro..  I used to have so much energy that I could sleep my 8 hours and go from 5am until 10 or 11.  Now even if I'm awake  can only go for a few hours at most.  I've done these italics again.  I don't know how I do this.

A friend just lost her Mother and the memorial was today.  It made me think of Mother so I thought I would write some about what I remember.  As I have said befor Mother was only 15 when she had my older sister, even though it was the day before she turned 16.  I came along 18 months later.  Then my younger sister came along a year later, for six days we are the same age.  I think the fact that she was another girl made it worse for both my Mother and me.  So she had three children by the time she was 18. 

Our older sister was born in Big Spring, Tx, and the other two of us were born in Sacramento, Cal. then two years later she had a baby boy born in Big Springs again, but he only lived about three days.  He was named after our father and I think that again made it worse for Mother, as she was blaimed for his death.  Even though it was accknowledged that it was the doctors fault. 

Then about two years after the loss of the baby she gave birth to another son.  We were back in Sacramento again.  By then I think that Mother was done with being beaten and blamed for everything that went wrong.  I don't know what my sisters remember about our parents being together, but all I remember are the sounds.  I remember Mother crying for him to stop and hearing him yelling and the sounds of someone being hit.  I look at pictures and have no memory of them.

I remember the last place they lived in together.  They were building a house and I would go out and talk to the older man that was doing the foundation.  He would share his lunch with me.  Then I remember talking my older sister into putting her finger into a lamp socket and turning it on to see what would happen.  I was the only one who found it funny.  Then I remember the night Mother finally left.  Our father was in his chair crying and we all had to tell him bye and he tried to make me tell Mother not to leave him.  I can remember thinking how glad I was to get away from him.

By this time Mother was old enough to drink and she was already smoking.  I don't remember where we first moved to but I know that she was leaving us with younger girls and that basically we were watching ourselves and our little brother.  She was at last free of our father and I think she reacted to that by doing things that she had spent years being accused of and not doing.  She forgot that she had us to take care of and we were put to the back of her mind.  She loved us but I don't think she fully understood what she should be doing.

Well I need to stop for now.